Well today was the day, my visit to the OBGYN doctor to find out if it would be possible to have anymore children. For months I have been seriously contemplating having more children. As many of you know I haven't had easy pregnancies, deliveries or any real luck raising them (yet). But even with the whole turmoil with Taylor I always had a glimpse of hope that my body would let me have one more. Today that ended. There's no hope. Heavenly Father let me have the answer, and even though it wasn't the answer I wanted, I'm thankful that he loves me enough to bring some closure to the subject. It doesn't mean it makes it any easier. I barely made it to the car before the tears came. I sat there in the rain thinking I should be grateful for the three I have, then feeling guilty, then thinking I can barely handle 3, why do I want more, in the next thought thinking I'm LDS, I was born to have babies (has anyone seen the size of my hips) .....I swear the mix of emotions I can have in a 5 minute period would shock a nation. Rain seemed fitting for the day and I didn't even care that I had just washed my car. I finally drove myself to the closest salon I knew of and splurged on some super dooper pedicure. The Chinese guy kept asking...you want salt scrub 5 dollar....you want more massage....5 dollar....I just kept saying "why not" and in my mind kept thinking, I can't have kids so I guess I can have pretty toes! Luckily I had lunch with a sweet friend and have been to busy the rest of the afternoon to think about it. Wes has been kind, offered his sister's body (don't worry Nikki I told him it was ok), and that's it, it's over. Closure.....however, I am still hopeful that someday, somehow if I am to be a Mom to more precious children, they'll find me.
7 comments:
So sorry to hear that news. I don't know what happened or why, but it's still heartbreaking to know that you won't experience that again. Paul and I made the choice to not have any more kids since we felt 4 was enough and Jaxon about killed me, yet I sooooo regret that decision I made and will always wonder what if, just like you. I guess it is a bit selfish on our part to want more of what we have since we have perfect beautiful children where some people can't, won't, and don't have any, yet I feel ya sister and it's definitely not a closure that will ever go away. You will always yearn for another baby. Love your little ones and enjoy the time because it goes by so fast. Can you believe my oldest is almost 16? Crazy!!
Miss Rathje, I feel your pain darlin! You could always go the route we did if you want more. Cry it out for a few days or more. I love you!
I so totally know what you mean!!! I have gone though many depressing struggling with this too. I have always wanted more than one (in fact I have been given many blessings thoughout my life saying I will have many children), but I guess maybe that one is all that is in store for us. I am just trying to be grateful for a healthy and happy child...so I guess maybe until the eternities when I can have more of my own - I will just dote on my friends and families kids.
Sorry to hear about this Kim. I do have say that you have a very beautiful family. If Nikki doesn't pull through, you can use Jaimee.
The hormones are going crazy right now- I'm such a boob, crying all over the place!! Oh man, I feel awful- blogging about how wonderful newborns are and all while you are going through this. You are an amazing Mom, wife and woman! I am sorry that you didn't hear the news you wanted and for the sadness that brings with it. You have such beautiful children and I'm sure someday you'll have many more. That is so cute of Wes to offer his sister. Sending lots of love your way!! xoxoxo
Maybe one day I’ll reproduce and you can take care of me and my babies. Here’s to hoping. :) I love you Kim.
Hey girl. I am so sorry about this terrible day. I think that has got to be one of the hardest steps in life. I would do it for you in a second. You do have a cute family and you are doing a wonderful job. 3 is a lot I don't care what anyone says. Trying to keep up with all that they have going on. You are wonderful. I love you. Tell Wes I will up date my blog soon. Love Ya
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